Often when we're living by our heart-guards, we may not even recognise all the ways we're blocking life. Marrying our mean-ings rather than experiencing intimacy with the moment.
These barriers can feel external to us, but internally we can't feel our own love.
I like to simplify ideas so let's think of it like this.
Feeling(which is pure - sensation) + Mean-ings (negative association) = Creates Emotion = Label ('I am...xyz') = distortion (overlay) of reality. This feeds our nervous system circuitry and loops us back to self-worship.
Feeling (pure) + Purpose (Allah is testing me) = Emotion = Belonging (I am Abd-Allah) = Clearer lens of reality. Feeding our souls purpose in worshipping Allah (SWT)
The greater the pain the more fixed the identity (Label) . So a very fixed circuitry isn't something anyone can move through overnight, but allowing ourselves to experience subtle shifts through identity discomfort.
Now what happens to all those feelings and our circuitry for our mean-ings? We can FEEL them without FEEDING them into our identity. If we've ever been allowed to have our FULL cry, where they leave our system with short breaths of release, we can settle them nicely with time.
We can also play with them until they no longer own us. We can have close friends tease us (difference between teasing and bullying is sense of safety with them). We can also choose to wear identities that hurt our ego just enough to move them out of our emotional trigger. It's pressing on the pain point until the association has shifted.
There's many ways to purify our heart-guards so we can be in relationship without our personal distortions. Whether it's the need to idealise or vilify. Constantly jumping to label self or other as bad or wrong. These child-like states can hinder our relationships because they keep our narratives alive and controlled rather than open us up to the complexity of life. No this doesn't mean anyone gets a free pass for bad behaviour, but it does mean we can hold more range for human expression.
I personally want to focus on marriage in this context because we lose presence when we operate from past experience rather than our current moment. Relationships on autopilot lose growth and true intimacy. If we want healthier homes, we must be willing to soften our heart-guards, because all our relationships will eventually reflect back to us these internal unhealed barriers.
Many tones of the moment get lost when we're operating from heart-guards. Protector parts blocking life to flow through, feeling into unknown parts of ourselves.
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So what are we protecting? and how can we restore and repair?
Men and Women have different needs in order to function through our God-given design. We must be willing to understand what we care about.
Men will *often create mean-ings about themselves based on RESPECT. Most of these labels will have to do with their sense of authority, usefulness, service, thought, methodology, boundaries, direction etc
He will create mean-ings based on his affect and outcome. He will gain his sense of Identity when this reflects back to him that he is worthy of respect.
This keeps his dignity and honour in order to function and operate at home and in the world at large. He brings a sense of structuring, and it's based on how he's responded to.
It's good to also good to understand men may project things onto women based on what they care about. If a man isn't feeling respected, he may believe he's in a power-play dynamic or some kind of tug or war. This isn't necessarily the case because women's protectors aren't seeking power, they're seeking attunement.
This isn't about right or wrong, i'm just sharing the nature of these heart-guards to bring about understanding, but also share some solutions at the end. Because mean-ings tend to be primitive and primal, unmatured parts of us seeking to 'stabilise'. The irony is they don't become rooted unless they're tested (development requires getting what we need, and the opposite to strengthen and solidify).
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Women create mean-ings based on their perceived VALUE. Having their feelings considered is the ultimate form of valuing her in order for her to function from an open heart.
her interpretations of her own value will be linked to how her feelings were considered and met.
If they aren't met they can lead her towards a life of creating said 'value'. Buying luxury goods, surgeries to enhance her worth, being extra difficult (adding weight to her worthiness), full independence with long-list of expectations (being unreachable/ inaccessible).
Now this is very important to understand because considering a woman's feelings and being sensitive towards them is not feeding into her mean-ings. Appeasing mean-ings rather than purpose will have our families collapse.
Softening heart-guards....
As a muslim ummah I believe we must honour our roles. We must choose and hold onto caring for our primary needs, while allowing the developmental process.
This can be learning what respect looks like for men. Not so that their mean-ings are never triggered, but rather to primarily restore a certain level of conduct which allows for all of us to grow.
It can be to show women that their value is the primary source of motivation. Making her feelings as part of the compass.
As women we do this by respecting our own feelings, and holding onto our values. We move in the world without attack, blame or shame. Moving with our own hearts truth.
'I feel ....xyz' and how do I respect that? How can I consider that with purpose moving forward?